I doubt anyone reads this- however, if they do, or if you are right now, please understand that I am not doing this for anyone but myself. If I can get these thoughts out of my brain into any other place, then I will consider this successful.
I quit being who people wanted me to be years ago, but let’s be honest, we don’t know who we want ourselves to be any fucking ways. We’ve all done it- we like who/what’s cool and at the end of the angst ridden day when we fall asleep we’re still not sure who we’re gonna be tomorrow. I think the majority of us would be liars if we said we actually had a clue. Sometime it just takes realizing when you look in the mirror you don’t know who you are. I do it. I did it for years. I think it finally hit me when I was a senior in high school- I was the only non-blonde in my group of school friends. With long black hair (big black hair, mind you) I always wanted to be blonde. My best friend was/is a beautiful blonde cheerleader… and I got stared at during lunch for my long black big ass hair, boots, tight jeans and “don’t talk to me” attitude. My girlfriends didn’t drink or smoke- and I became ostracized when I made it clear I had a fondness for cigarettes, vodka and smoking weed, not to mention the majority of my “new” friends were the ones that had the party reputation, the druggies, the whores, and yes, the criminals. Being ostracized only fueled me more. My reputation went from the most innocent, almost Holy church girl to the “traitor” who apparently did nothing but party.
To skip the details, people who were in my life quickly quit talking to me for reasons I believed to be…. well, stupid. I gained one of the best friends I’ve ever had though in the midst of all the bullshit; she’s still one of my best friends today.
I decided then, that whatever I did from then on was going to be for myself. People who were supposed to be good friends with me talked shit, and had the audacity to say the words, “well I’m just worried about you” to my face. I didn’t try to regain those friendships, because those are not friends. Friends don’t leave you when you become a little stupid and make dumb choices, they stick with you no matter what, especially if they’re concerned.
On other thing- I had some of the best times I’ve ever had when I did the dumb shit I did. I have a boyfriend of 2 years whom I love, and a true friendship that has lasted. So fuck y’all.
Anyways, this is more drawn out than I wanted it to be so I’ll get to my point: Do what you do for yourself, and no one else. I wanted to be blonde, so instead of worrying about who’d say what about it, who thought it wouldn’t look good… I did it.
I quit living for other people years ago. I quit trying to be this person that got along with everyone, who didn’t say what she was thinking to avoid any bad situations that would come from it. I’ve never been happier now that I can say what’s on my mind, mean it and know that you can never be sorry for honesty.
If you were one of those girls who quit being friends with me because of Lauren, and now post pictures of yourselves doing the things I USED to do on facebook- Fuck you. If you gave me the dirty looks when you saw me smoking- fuck you. And, if you stuck your nose into my sex life after my relationship began, major fuck you because that shit’s not your business anyways.